Voice Mail and other nonsense

THE Dummy tried to call me 3 times on Friday. (I screen my calls when I work from home, to avoid conversations with people like her. It works well and keeps my Friday happy.) After each call, I proceed to email her back with any input she needs, guidance, answers, work I need to do for her that she'll pass off as her own, etc. Then it dawned on me - I don't ever need to speak to her again. I could take this social networking craze to a whole new level!

First, I need to share how one of her voice mails started:

"Hiyeee, it's THE Dummy. I'm just calling to call you about something." 

Wait - you are CALLING to CALL me about something? Well I am NOT ANSWERING to NOT ANSWER you, ya dummy.

Anyway, since social media is huge, I'm thinking that I can use it to my advantage to never have another verbal communication with her again. It will be great. I will utilize twitter, blogs, text messaging and even post a YouTube video or two if the topic long. I can use Facebook, MySpace and even plain old email to communicate. It will become a challenge... It's kind of like that game as a kid to not walk on any cracks or you break yo' mama's back, and in this case, walking on a crack is speaking to THE Dummy. Wow - this is going to be awesome! 

A Dummydemic!

Screw the Swine Virus! The dummy virus is more dangerous and rampant! BEWARE! BEWARE!

I've gotten many an email and call about other dummies out there. They are EVERYWHERE! And from the research I've done through the CDC, there is no vaccine for this pandemic so use caution when approaching these sick individuals. As new symptoms present, I will be sure to alert you through this blog, but here are a few key signs that may help you avoid this plague:

The Blank Stare

I find when I look THE dummy in the eyes, there is a vacant stare. I figure it is because she lacks a soul, along with a brain, so when I peer at her pupils, I see straight to the back of her skull. Then, I did some research and looked up other dummies on the Internet - Speidi and the kids from The Hills, the Caribou Barbie, Miss California, etc. I found the same blank stare! AHA - definitely a symptom.

The Pass-The-Buck-Chuck Tick

Since dummies can't seem to do anything themselves, they often try to pass along their work and/or blame to someone else. Example:

My sister has a dummy at work. Well HAD a dummy at work - she was fired (if we could all be so lucky that our dummies get fired). This particular dummy, who I will call Medical Office dummy (or MO dummy for short) has the common dummy "pass-the-buck-chuck" symptom. (THE dummy has this - really bad, by the way.)

Anywho, MO dummy's only responsibility at work was to code surgical procedures so they could get scheduled. Easy enough... or not. After many clients were getting rejected by the insurance company, rather than doing some research on why this was happening, she complained to the doctor on how difficult the insurance company was. Never once did she think perhaps something she was doing was wrong. So after ranting about the insurance company, the doctor finally said "you are using the wrong code, ya dummy!" Now, he may not have said "ya dummy" out loud but surely, he was thinking it. Luckily, because this employer doesn't reward dummy behavior with continued employment, she was let go. However, on her way out, she insisted still it wasn't her fault because the "doctor never told me how to do it." Really, ya dummy?

"I'm So Busy" Delusions

Why do dummies think they work so much harder than everyone else? Well, it's because the sickness causes delusions. Example:

THE dummy, after asking me to do a lot of her crap and me responding that I didn't have time, proceeded to tell me how busy she was working on all of her stuff and that she's been in the office since 10am (it was around 1pm when she emailed me) implying that I should take it easy on her (aka - do her work). Really, ya dummy? I'm sorry that you had to be up at the butt crack of mid-morning to work, you poor thing.

And there you have 3 signs of this dummydemic. Stay vigilant my friends.

Reminiscing

To reminisce is to indulge in enjoyable recollections of past events. And since today, THE dummy was out of the office and wasn't able to do anything dummy-esque in my presence, I will use this post to discuss an incident that happened earlier this week.

THE dummy responded to a client email, and CC'd me and another gal on her response. Simple enough - email read, filed, done. But wait - another email with the same subject line pops up in my inbox again. Huh? Turns out she then forwarded the same email she wrote the client to us again and said "Hey guys. I just responded to Mike's* email."

Ummm... Really? You CC'd us on the first email. Of course I know you emailed Mike*, ya dummy.

*Client's name changed for protection from embarrassment and shame in having to deal with THE dummy.

Purpose of this blog

The purpose of this blog is simple - it's my therapy... therapy for dealing with dummies. There is one dummy in particular that I dedicate this blog. She's quite a prize as you will see in these posts. Not only is she incompetent, she's a moron that can't match the elements of her ensemble to save her life. It's like the trifecta of dummy. If Dummyville was a town, she'd be the mayor. From this point forward I shall refer to her as THE dummy. However, from time to time I may feel the urge to blog about other dummies, but know that whenever I refer to THE dummy, I refer to my muse for this blog.

Anyway, I should start with my true love for calling people dummies. I was volunteering at a senior center, playing cards with the blue hairs, when I just happened to miss a crucial move. Ruth - the resident piss-ant, says to me as she's shaking her head in disgust "You missed one, ya dummy!" And then it hit me - what a GREAT underused term. DUMMY! Say it - "Ya Dummy!" It just rolls of your tongue and feels good to say.

So back THE dummy. I should make a list here to catch you up on all the moronic behaviors she's exhibited, but rather, I'll start from the present and hope for a day where THE dummy doesn't do anything foolish (not likely), and I can blog about past episodes she's had.

The other day, when THE dummy decided to take a stab at writing her own RFPs, for which she was hired even though it turns out she can't write which means I have to do her work for her... she used the following sentence, and I quote (ahem):

"In addition, this campaign should by enlarge, promote live events that the youth, teachers and schools can collaborate and learn as a group collectively."

OMG - what a dummy! Really? So sad, trying to sound intelligent but "by enlarge" failing miserable. And what's with "collaborate and learn as a group collectively". Redundant much, ya dummy?